she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
Randomize
