That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
