his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
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