I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
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