I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
Randomize
