Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
I feel that shower jager is exactly what this man needs after last night.
You're a disgrace to gay men everywhere.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
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