I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
