the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
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