I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
