everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
question - sack: should she or should she not play with it during foreplay?
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
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