This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
Randomize
