The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
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