she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Randomize
