you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
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