There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
Randomize
