He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
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