Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
I need water and some morals
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
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