It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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