ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
Randomize
