His mom made me a necklace that i am supposed to wear to prom. She included a note with it, which had a star trek quote. What have I gotten myself into?
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
Randomize
