cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
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