My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
Randomize
