i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Randomize
