I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
It's never too late to be topless.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
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