A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
