Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
