I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
Randomize
