And when I look at him, I just want him to say "I love you" in between deep thrusts and hard grunts.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
Liz is crying about burritos again.
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
Randomize
