I know it's VERY late and i know i may have burdened you, but on the chance that it's sat nite- are you up or willing to be? Christinas camping and i'm chillin alone.
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
