Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
Admittedly I was a little ambitious with some of the positions but you walked in during the worst of it.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
