Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
she smelled like a LAN party
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
Randomize
