I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
Randomize
