Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
