I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Randomize
