It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
Randomize
