I hate all girls vehemently.
I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
