when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
Randomize
