U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
I deserve this hangover.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
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