So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
Getting high on the stoop of a brownstone in the middle oh harlem. Doesn't get much more hey arnold than this.
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
