remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
