Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
