Do you remember last night at all? Be honest
I need to look at the pictures on my camera to fill in the gaps.
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
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