did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
Randomize
