Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
I would never do this in real life. It's only college.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
Send help, water and tortillas.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
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