I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
Randomize
