I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
