My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
Randomize
