and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
Randomize
