my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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