Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
