The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
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