Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
Randomize
